The Playground is where we learned lessons good and bad that ultimately shape us and influenced the way we build our Direct Selling business… now let’s continue pushing through the 10 Direct Selling Playground Lessons and 10 Direct Selling Strategies…
10 Lessons from the School Playground
- Direct Selling Playground Lesson #1 Acceptance
- Direct Selling Playground Lesson #2 Be Nice
- Direct Selling Playground Lesson #3 Play Nice
- Direct Selling Playground Lesson #4 Role Play
- Direct Selling Playground Lesson #5 Imagination
- Direct Selling Playground Lesson #6 Explore
- Direct Selling Playground Lesson #7 Bullies
- Direct Selling Playground Lesson #8 Friends
- Direct Selling Playground Lesson #9 Teachers
- Direct Selling Playground Lesson #10 Rainy Days
Let’s hit Lesson 7…
“Ok, hand it over…” the low voice commands.
Reluctantly, I dig my shaking hand into my pocket and pass my money over… “Here.” I shamefully mutter unable to even make eye contact…
“Good… now if I hear you make a sound… you WILL regret it… Now scram!”
Was I mugged?
… not exactly… THAT interaction was on playground as a child.
This is one of the darker realities of the playground,…where your ‘friends’ look the other way… teachers seem to be oblivious and… you feel naked and vulnerable… I’m talking about…Bullies. The playground or life isn’t always pleasant and fun… neither is this lesson…
Direct Selling Playground Lesson #7: Bullies
No playground is without bullies, television makes light of them… typically portraying them as big, dumb, lumbering hulks with nothing better to do than pick on the little person.
The sad reality is that bullies have a following…
Understand, power only comes from others giving it to you.
Bullies position themselves with influence… influence which they CHOOSE to use at the expense of others.
The Bullied
Bullies have one primary objective: Fear
Fear leads to control by paralysis/inaction.
Fear results in two outcomes in the Bullied: Shame and Anxiety
Shame for not standing up or doing something…
Shame for feeling like a victim…
Shame for being afraid…
Anxiety for not wanting to continue a behavior that will lead to more shame…
Anxiety for not wanting to face the fear…
Anxiety for feeling out of control….
3 Types of Pain
Bullies typically inflict at least one of three types of pain on the Bullied
1. Physical. This includes pushing, hitting, grabbling, tripping, slapping, etc.
2. Emotional. This includes fear induction, intimidation, stress, anxiety, shame, guilt, etc.
3. Social. Public embarrassment, humiliation, name-calling, social exclusion, labeling, disconnecting Bullied from support and social acceptance, etc.
There has also been increasing amount of cyber-bullying in today’s youth’s world (child’s email, their social networking sites, harassing/threatening text messaging…)
Flip the Coin
The darker side of this topic is there are two sides to every coin. The bully has a story of their own; in many cases it parallels their targets. I believe from my experiences, a number of bullies are abused or still being abused. In order to cope with their pain, they lash out at others. Being unable to handle their emotions or externalize their anger, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with a need for control they inadvertently act as a conduit for the hurt rather than capping it and diffusing it. So understand, often times the bully is going thru their own version of hell, one whose lessons, unfortunately, will negatively influence people around them for generations.
So what can be done with bullies?
Regretfully, there is no simple cookie-cutter answer. Nor is this blog’s purpose to cure such a cancer of the playground… yet being Bullied myself… I offer 4 Quick Thoughts:
1. Live through it.
Teach your child that they can’t always control their environment, only their response. My parents encouraged me by Time Traveling Fast Forward (see Lesson 5) showing me a future after the bullies… I realized I only had to out last them to survive them…
2. Become stronger through it.
I used college as a time to re-invent myself, leaving the old self and choosing a new self from then on. I realized that I was not alone in my bullied experience, I discovered many people have been bullied in some way and some point… it became a painful but effective connection point.
3. Choose not to pass it on.
My mother taught me we all have a choice on how we want to the hand we are dealt. My mother, who was physically and emotionally abused by her father, promised herself, she would love her children and never hurt them intentionally… She has always stayed true to the promise she made to the little abused girl. She shared stories of what her dad did to her, those graphic images have stuck in my head and influenced the way I treat people.
4. Be Aware.
Awareness alone can do wonders… Bullied people feel alone, invisible and ashamed…. They need a constructive healthy outlet, someone to talk to, someone to confide in, even someone to cry to. Understand, by you being aware, you can be a pressure release valve in a pressure cooker world.
Be aware of your child… their stories.
Be aware of your child’s friends… what is being said about them through your child.
Be aware of your child’s environment… what IS their playground like?
Be aware of your child’s social intelligence… ask who is bullied and how, use it as an opportunity to teach your child some powerful lessons.
How does seeing someone bullied make them feel?…
How would they feel if it was them being picked on?
Teach compassion.
How’s this relate to direct selling?
Easy… change the words Bullied and/or Child to Customer, Prospect or Downline.
Understand, Bullies still exist in the adult world.
Just like companies flex their influence to get their way, similarly family members/friends/roommates/coworkers may be razing your prospect or downline creating fear, anxiety, even shame for considering direct selling. These are the people, if not reached out to, that verbally continue the passing of hurt and pain of negative gossip.
Or are you a bully? Do you humiliate your downline? Bully your customers into a sale?
Be smart. Be respectful of everyone.
Bullies in direct selling can also be one’s own past mocking himself, belittling herself. To counter self-sabotaguing behaviors, I again, recommend a powerful program, Lifestorms, by Dr. Kevin Hogan. “Lifestorms” trip you up and cause you to keep going through the same cycle of failure in life and relationships. Find out what they are and how to fix them.
Direct Selling Strategy #7: Safety in Numbers
Just like when wagon trains moved across the Great Plains… there is safety in numbers in direct selling too.
Understand bullies don’t attack groups, they attack the isolated individual. Protect your customers, prospects and downline by creating an environment of community.
People are looking for affirmation, recognition, and acceptance.
Have a culture that welcomes people. Make it be a safe haven, a refuge.
Community is an incredible powerful element in selling. People want to belong and fit-in. They want to be part of the in-crowd.
Community can greatly reduce buyer’s remorse, returns and increase retention and customer satisfaction.
What can you do this week to strengthen the community you service?
Come back tomorrow… I PROMISE it won’t be as much of a downer!
Your Turn Readers…
How do you deal with bullies?
Shane says:
As I stand back and watch adults I’ve come to the conclusion that we still exhibit very child like behavior in many respects. There are definitely still bullies on the playground so to speak.
Shane
Hypnosis – Change Your Thoughts and Change Your Life -
3rd May 2010 at 2:15 am
Michael D Walker says:
Unfortunately, when all else fails, sometimes you just have to stand up to bullies.
Most of the bullies I encountered in school quit attacking me after I landed a good shot to their jaw.
They like to pick on the little guys & people they see as easy targets. They never pick on anyone their own size.
Michael
The Success Secrets
3rd May 2010 at 3:43 am
Dewayne Chriswell says:
I was always the new kid in school, moved five times in my childhood. The first thing I had to accept was there was going to be a fight at the new school. Bullies are just like you say, looking for someone to take their own anger out on. Even though I was the smallest kid in most schools, I was also the most stubborn. All it takes is one time to figure out there are much easier targets/prey, and bullies tend to look somewhere else to vent their frustrations.
http://dewaynechriswell.com
3rd May 2010 at 7:46 am
Tim Van Milligan says:
You have offered some good advice about bullies. I think the way that I cope with bullies is to be smarter and wiser than they are. They want to choose the battlefield. But in the art of war, don’t let your opponent choose the place of battle, even if it means temporary retreat.
Find a new battlefield that you are superior. I’ve fought many a bully in my life, but never physically. I’ve fought them in the realm of public opinion. When you expose them there, they shrivel and dry up, because they have no weapons for that battlefield, and are easily swept away. This is why the phrase “the pen is mightier than the sword” is so true and powerful.
Tim Van Milligan, helping you Make Money Online, God’s Way!
3rd May 2010 at 9:50 am
Eileen O'Neill says:
Unfortunately, bullies DO exist in the adult world and can try to exert their influence in the work place, social gatherings, etc. How do I fight them?
1. be aware of who I am: my strengths and weaknesses,
2. be a good friend and have a support group of friends
3. never take a bully’s b.s. – stand up to them and educate them on their misconstruing of info
4. report them if they become too much of a pain
5. understand that the bully is in pain in their own way
Eileen
Mixing Romance, Feet & ESL lessons
Enjoy Being Online here!
4.
3rd May 2010 at 10:11 am
Dale Bell says:
Lots of good points on Bullies. I really liked what you had to say about your mother and how she taught you. It is especially impressive that she stayed true to her word.
3rd May 2010 at 10:43 am
Michelle Mason says:
I thought it was great that you mentioned that we can be our own bullies. How many times are we internally abusing ourselves, saying we can’t do it, stealing away any positive thoughts or self-confidence? I wasn’t ever really bullied as a kid, mostly because I was quiet enough to fade into the background, yet normal enough not to fall into the “nerdy” crowd. But I do encounter a lot of bullying in the adult sense, as you mention above. It is often easiest to just take it, but at some point you have to stand up for yourself (even if the bully is yourself).
Michelle
Fun and Free Activities
3rd May 2010 at 10:48 am
Sabrina Peterson says:
I am amazed at grown people who try to bully others. I kicked a customer out of our store once because of how he was treating an old woman he was a caregiver for. When I see or hear bullying my hackles get raised and I become like a mother lion.
This is a really good topic to broach. We all need reminders every now and then.
Sabrina Peterson, NASM CPT,CES
Corrective Exercise for Every Body
3rd May 2010 at 11:29 am
Sonya Lenzo says:
AS a child I was pretty fortunate, large family, big neighborhood, and most people were afraid or respected my Dad, the local minister. But my younger brother was shyer and was bullied by a neighbor woman and I remember shaking with rage and stepping on her flower bed in revenge!
While we do confront this as adults, it is just an awful thing for a child who has yet to learn to deal with it…but I agree with the safety in number thing…a bully has to get a child alone to do their worst. A child with lots of friends has more protection.
Sonya Lenzo
http://www.yourchanceforromance.com
3rd May 2010 at 11:59 am
Orange County Boomer Dating Expert says:
Hi Mark,
I admire in particular how you point out the effective strategy of safety in numbers, to protect your downline and your customers. Indeed, creating that community of inclusion is part of what so many of us are looking for as one of the core human needs from psychology, yes? Also, bullies often want attention, negative attention. When we refrain from giving that to them, they often just go about their way looking for a more responsive target. I aim to give them the acknowledgment of appreciation only when it occurs in public. I learned that from Dr. Kevin Hogan’s Psychology of Persuasion. Often that is what the person is truly craving – acknowledgment.
Happy Dating and Relationships,
April Braswell
Single Baby Boomer Dating Expert
3rd May 2010 at 1:29 pm
Peggy Larson says:
I was the bullied kid mostly. I “solved” the issue by befriending the toughest girl in school, the gal that even the boys were afraid of. Guess she liked protecting the picked on girl?
When m y daughter was bullied in middle school, she chose the route of confrontation. After many weeks of being bullied she told the gal she would fight her. The day of the fight arrived, but the bullying girl didn’t! And my daughter was never picked on again. She showed she was willing to fight and I guess that’s all it took. Thank heaven!
Peggy Larson
Quilting – Colors and Fun!
3rd May 2010 at 3:42 pm
Mike Norris says:
Bullies don’t attack groups. This can be great advice. I have seen bullies go in a group to get someone though. So the group has to stand up to the bully as a whole.
Mike
Safety Is Everyones Business
3rd May 2010 at 7:08 pm
Lisa McLellan says:
It’s kind of funny that you described bullies as “big, dumb, lumbering hulks” because the bully who has been picking on my son for a year and a half is just that! You must know him.
Babysitting Services, Nanny Services, Nanny Agencies
3rd May 2010 at 8:28 pm
bryan says:
I find the best when then and now is to confront them directly..they often don’t like people who will stand up to them..no don’t get me wrong I’m not talking about violence…but even in the workplace today there are bullies..you need to stand up for yourself.
3rd May 2010 at 9:03 pm
Shawn Damratowski says:
Bullies… ah yes one of my favorite topics, in coaching I have specific terms to define bullying and how to stop it. What you stated Mark is a very important point their is strength in numbers. For some reason people draw these invisible lines of separation on to people… one minute you are a child and now ‘alakazam!’ you are an adult. Just because you are grown on the out side has no bearing to what your life is like on the inside…
Coach Shawn
Relationship Coaching for the Real World
3rd May 2010 at 10:08 pm
Rob Northrup says:
some customers are complete bullies, and they are extremely manipulative as they seek to ever-improve their “deal” long after it passed the point of agreement.
I have fired a number of them in the past 25 years, and taken their names out of my database and phone. Life is too short to deal with people who are basically unfair and bullying.
Seize the Day,
Rob
Simple Family Survival Tips For Disaasters and Emergencies
3rd May 2010 at 6:00 am